My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me