If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”