Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Go hard or stay average
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room