If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.