I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Jesus Christ lmao
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside