When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
This could’ve been an email.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Proctology is located in A55