Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Don’t we all.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.