inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.