Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES