A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on