My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”