This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
You Might Also Like
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Thinking about Jeff
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
This checks out
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one