A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.