I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
You Might Also Like
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Life hack
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!