Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
found my next D&D character name
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.