“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish đ
You Might Also Like
I love my kids, but not âPuts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday seasonâ loves my kids.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
We all have our pet causes.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Being held captive canât be all bad. At least youâre being held.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Iâm not saying Iâm jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldnât mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Iâve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I donât wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, Iâm going to be pissed
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she âmissed something.â
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your rĂ©sumĂ©?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers âmumâ or âdadâ without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as âAlexaâ.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.