If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted