My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
haha same
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home