Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
You Might Also Like
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me too door. Me too.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
😍😂🥰😂😍