*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
That lamp looks PISSED.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….