Before & after 😅
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Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you