*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I beg your pardon?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on