I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats