Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Mad Max: Furry Road
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries