My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me too door. Me too.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
DOOO EEEET
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.