Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-