I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You Might Also Like
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Sunday
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)