[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
You Might Also Like
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.