[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.