I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Same pineapple, same
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.