My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.