Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?