[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
No chill.
Google assistant rules
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”