Still my favourite meme.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.