Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins