Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
based al yankovic
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Body by cheese-puffs.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.