There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*