WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
i want to work in this restaurant
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.