I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
There is wisdom there.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.