This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
how to have an accident 101
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.