Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
You Might Also Like
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Breaking news:
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.