[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*