There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.