It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I never needed anything more in my life
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
so much to do
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!