[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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your honor my client chooses dare
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Doctors texting each other.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*