[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
This made me smile…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
New comic up. “Ransom”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop