You Might Also Like
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation