Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
same bro
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
i- i did not expect this
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
guilty
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW