9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Happy Taco Tuesday
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.