Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
#Caturday
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.